repository for the occasional perambulatory rumination

i have trouble staying in the lines. it’s something i’ve always wrestled with. i’m not talking about coloring (tho’ i have certainly had my share of angst with that) this time i’m talking about what you might call boundary issues. i don’t seem to know how to draw them, how to maintain them, how to communicate them to myself or others.

i’ve always been an empathetic, passionate person who felt deeply, and that lack of clearly-defined lines has bruised my heart more than once. eventually i toughened up, i moved faster, i convinced myself i didn’t care about things.

it works . . . most of the time.

but today something found a chink in my armor, and my heart is bruised once again . . .


my daughter bought a picasso clown fish that was to arrive this morning by 10:30. because it is cold here, because fish are more thermometers than thermostats, because i needed to accompany my daughter to the hospital for a test this morning, i asked my mother to come sit and wait on the delivery guy.

the delivery guy who never came.

shortly after 11:30, daughter received an email from the fish seller lady – a bulk email, indicating that she sold lots of these picasso clowns – informing the would-be fish parents that the delivery service airplane had mechanical problems and the transport had been delayed a day.

which means that all of the fish will die.

“these are tiny little fish,” that part of my brain says. “don’t be ridiculous. they’re just fish. i mean, really.”

but my heart hopes for a miracle that will have the doorbell ringing by 10;30 tomorrow morning in houses throughout the country with new fish-on-the-block ready for a swim in the acclimation tank.

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3 Responses to “gone fishing”

  1. Acey on February 3rd, 2009 1:59 pm

    wow do i relate. Have had to FORCE myself to get more skilled with the boundary stuff since i really didn’t want to sacrifice my own health any further. but it is not second nature and to tell the truth i still resent living in the sort of world that gives me no option …

  2. jeanne, herself on February 3rd, 2009 2:06 pm

    acey, here’s hoping that we get just good enough at setting/maintaining/communicating boundaries that we protect our selves but not so good that it becomes second nature . . .

  3. quiltdivajulie on February 3rd, 2009 5:54 pm

    I’m glad you have a heart that bruises easily ~ but I’m also glad you’re working on your boundaries (it is a never-ending, ongoing project for me). I wouldn’t like to not care despite the pain of caring too much.

    Lovely little fish ~ I’ll hope for a miracle, too.

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