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Apr
19
getting a handle on things
Filed Under Natural Curl
i have been worried of late that with changing hormones and all, i am becoming rather paranoid.
maybe even a bit obsessive.
but i breathe a sigh of relief as i type this because today - this very day - i prove to myself that such worry is absolutely un. unfounded and unwarranted . . .
we have these new cabinets, see, and last weekend hubbie put them in place while i enjoyed the beach and sunshine with my daughter, so putting the handles on seemed the least i could do - or at least offer to do - while he tears up installs the new kitchen faucet.
so i do.
offer, that is.
and he takes me up on my offer - in spite of the huge quantity of questions i ask and the inordinate number of tools i need but can’t find in his shop; in spite of the number of times he has to do the math of measuring for me - he still lets me attach the handles while he makes the seventh trip to the hardware store for Just The Thing (really, this time) he needs to put the sink back together.
here, my friends, is how i do it:
1. spread out pieces of the once-something-touches-me-i-won’t-let-it-go-till-i-have-to contact paper to catch runaway screws when i open new handle packaging.
2. overlap strips of contact paper for added security.
3. opt to place each plastic package in trash instead of letting them built up and throwing away at once. do a dry run both ways and find that it’s more exercise disposing of one package at a time.
4. fetch scissors and lay them in aesthetically inviting position on sticky contact paper. (scissors required for opening packaging because in my line of creative interests, fingernails get in the way.)
5. open step stool in anticipation of handling upper cabinet doors.
6. check phone to see if there’s a dial tone. for no particular reason other than it seems like a mighty good idea at the time.
7. weigh pros and cons of wearing shoes during this carpentry adventure. decide shoes might be a good thing to have on as there are likely to be splinters falling to the floor what with the drilling of holes and all.
8. make sure broom and dustpan haven’t been lost in move-around of late.
9. down one teensy little bite of caramel cake. for energy.
10. play around with positioning of the aforementioned handles, finding a place on the door where they (a) look right and (b) can be positioned without me having to resort to division and fractions and other tedious, tiring trivvle.
11. audition several pens, finally finding one that will leave a visible mark AND be easy to wipe off in the unlikely case i need to start over.
12. measure for the first hole no less than 19 times. i mean if measuring twice is the recommended number and this is my first handle-putting-on-adventure . . .
13. using the handy-dandy hole-starter-puncher thingie, i mark the (intended) position of the first screw.
14. discover that using one of those tape measurers that coils itself up into the striking-green-so-it’s-harder-to-lose casing is rather awkward because of that silver ledge at the end - you know, before the number 1. that thing sticks out making it impossible to lay the tape down flat on the surface, and when we’re dealing with (a) brand new cabinets and (b) 1/16 of an inch, every teensy little bit matters.
with that, it is time to drill the holes.
using the heavy big girl drill.
which i do.
eventually.
15. learn that it takes longer when you try to make a hole going into the wood with the drill in reverse.
16. stretch first handle to get it to reach the second/bottom screw.
17. figure out a way to make tape lay flat by using higher numbers on the tape so as to (hopefully) avoid this stretching step in the installation of future handles.
18. install second handle, refusing to give into the desire to put level across tops of first 2 handles to check for precision.
19. after 3 handles are attached, i shift into car-making mode, marking screw positions for each of the other doors, then drilling all the holes, then attaching handles.
20. hubbie returns with new-we-don’t-really-need-it-but-it-was-on-the-clearance-shelf-and-besides-who-knows-if-the-old-one-will-work-when-i-put-it-back-in disposal and (upon prodding) notes that the handles look “fine”.
so, 3 hours and 23 minutes after starting this project, i am done . . . except for that one handle that needs to go sideways, requiring an entirely different kind of math with fractions and such, so i decide to wait for hubbie (the engineer) on that one.
but that’s not all:
feeling confident and energetically on a roll, i decide to go outside and plant the new blue wave petunias we bought on the first trip to the hardware store this morning. being a master gardener, i feel it’s okay to ignore the published spacing requirements, opting instead to purchase one hanging basket per pot. not only does it make it quicker by only having to take one big galump out of the hanging basket and stick it in the waiting pot, the planting looks full and established from the get-go.
i fill the 3 pots on the upper deck, then tackle the windowbox, water everything, sweet the deck, put up the potting soil and shovel and trash bag. it wasn’t until the very moment i walk into the house and hear the cfussing from under the sink that i remember that hubbie turned the water off while he fiddles with kitchen sink.
good thing i have this aversion to touching germ-laden faucets and soap dispensers in public bathrooms, preferring instead to use those pre-packaged wet wipes.
while cleaning my hands with the rather aromatic pre-moistened wipes, i reflect back over today’s accomplishments and feel confidently ready to offer to help hubbie with the electrical stuff required to install the new disposal.
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this was so funny….they look good by the way.
My hubby and I would both meltdown if we were to do the same type of adventure together….bravo to you!
well this is exactly the opposite of hat is going on over here right now. i am accomplishing nothing. and neither is he.
Two things struck me hard in this post. One that, yay! Another commonality! Another girlfriend who doesn’t have fingernails because they would be a hindrance not an enhancement. And also now I have no excuse not to become a master gardener becuz all this time it HAS been my excuse that if I were duly credentialed in that way I would not be able to go on ignoring such things as “published spacing requirements”.
Am glad to be back online and able to see what you’ve gotten up to. Feels like months rather than days …
oh shoot, acey, i ’spect yet another commonality between you and me is that we learn the rules just so we can break them intelligently;) who can forget the time in master gardener school when we studied grass. fella came down from nearby college, slapped a slide of parched brown grass up on the screen, and asked “who can tell me what happened here?” while my usually vociferously intelligent classmates averted their eyes in hopes of not being called on, i raised my hand and said, “somebody forgot to tell them ‘green side up.’”
it’s a wonder i passed.
you’re right: it DOES seem like months. much to chat about. see you off blog!
thanks, laney. had to keep shooting from various angles so dislevelment wasn’t so obvious.
too funny, jude. i tell you what: all the productive ruckus this weekend wore us both slap out. haven’t been good for a single thing since then.