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Jun
15
Wrestling with my Sole(s)
Filed Under Ruminations
This morning I struggle with the seemingly simple question of Do I go to walk this morning or not?. There are mountains of things begging for my attention. I’ve already put a roast on the crockpot, so for supper I just have to fix the side dishes, and I want to go to walk while it’s still cool. But what about all this work? What will I listen to while I walk? Should I listen to anything? I read last week - in 2 places, no less - how walking just for the sake of walking is SO good for your body, mind, and soul.
What will I wear - long pants? (Isn’t it too hot for those.) Shorts? (Don’t they ride up between my legs and don’t I HATE pulling them down as I go because just when I grab and contort to pull them down, doesn’t somebody inevitably come around the curve?)
But won’t that be a waste of time? Shouldn’t I be doing something while I walk? Like listening to a book or, better still, one of those self-improvement tapes?
It’s always like this. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think about how much less of me there would be if I occasionally won the walking argument, if I’d been walking for even three weeks. Walking regularly. Walking walking. Not just walking from the desk to the bathroom and back. Moving those feet. Swinging those arms. Slowing down my brain. Breathing.
I know from experience that the work will still be here when I get back from a walk - the altruistic elves haven’t found this shoemaker yet - but think of all the things I could’ve done in that hour I was walking. I’d be so much further along.
But further along at what?
I’ve always been about productivity. Earn my keep, my place in this world. I’m a champion list maker, and I get huge satisfaction from checking things off. In fact, I don’t just check. No ma’am. I stretch out that satisfaction by drawing a line through items when they’re completed.
Was I always like this, I sometimes wonder.
If I die today, will I be remembered for my productivity? “One think I think we can all agree on about Jeanne,” they’d say over my casket, “she was productive.” I can see my tombstone now: She was productive.
Has anybody ever really noticed?
Productive at what?
Sure, the house is always clear and clean. (Well, maybe not always. I’ve cut back to a complete cleaning every other week instead of weekly. And though we only have 2 cats and a dog, it always looks like more with the constant fur balls dancing at the edge of the walls. That is a losing battle, even for the Queen of Productivity.)
During one stretch of my life, I walked regularly, and the oddest thing happened: I always got more done on those days. Even taking an hour out to go walk, I accomplished more. Don’t ask me how - it’s probably something to do with quantum physics. I often use that as my carrot: go out to walk and you’ll get more done today, I tell myself as I’m plowing through another mountain of stuff.
And that’s mostly what it is: stuff. Paying bills is a necessity, of course, but most of the other stuff I do is because I think it’ll help somebody else. I’ve backed off the pervasive caregiving a bit since my friend Debbie wrote a thesis about it, but I still do it with thoughts of making somebody else’s life easier. Like they care. Like they notice. Like it really does make their life easier. It probably just sends the message that you don’t think they can do it, I’ve begun telling myself.
I already have my walking shoes on, and Stack #1 really isn’t that big, I notice. (But I also know it’s the short stacks that getcha.) And I do have the 20-hour audio book I downloaded last week. (Another carrot, of sorts. I figured if I had already paid for the audiobook, I’d feel obligated to go give it a listen.)
Should I call and check on Mom first? Carol? Alison? What about packing - shouldn’t I get that done now while I’m fresh? I should probably feed the cats first and clean out the litterbox. Then I should turn on the robotic vacuum cleaner and hope it’s hungry for furballs. Then I could just get this one teensy little project done before going - that way I’d have accomplished something so I won’t feel so bad about taking an hour out to walk. And what about the laundry - the washing machine and dryer are both going and will finish their cycles while I’m out walking.
Sometimes seems like my most productive part of the day is generating reasons not to go walk.
Which I am going to do right now.
Go to walk, I mean.
I win.
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